Flowers of the Past, Present, and Future

Jujur, gue masuk kuliah bukan capek belajar ngoding yang belom gue pahami betul sampe sekarang. Yang bikin capek justru pulang pergi kampus-rumah naik motor lawan macet dan harus keringetan sepanjang jalan. Not only that, I gotta manage my time between volunteering exercise (actually, despite my small body, I'm a dancer and a drama person) and college studies.

Mungkin buat orang lain keliat biasa aja ato "ah gaya-gayaan doang paling sok sibuk". It's some of my passions. I care less about this.

Gue orangnya pesimis, dan ada saat tertentu di mana gue bisa langsung masuk pessimistic mood. Dari tipikal orang yang suka ngerocos kalo ada temen ngomong suka bikin kesel, sekali gue masuk fase pesimis ini, langsung ga mau komentar apa-apa. Kadang juga orang panggil ato mau bercanda sama gue jadi diem karna gue diemin terus.

Kalo kalian dearest readers mikir "kok postingan baru cepet banget keluarnya?", ya sebagian karena this one person's request. This one reader who seems to like my type of how the story flows, and he's waiting for a sequel.

Lanjut cerita kemaren, entah kenapa sekarang ketika nama doi disebut, gue jadi biasa aja. Sebulan lalu gue seneng kalo nama dia disebut terus suka ngomongin dia bareng temen-temen cowo gue yang lain di kampus. Lately, the color of that blooming flower is beginning to fade, as well as it has withered away.

When I think that flower was the most beautiful one after the past one which already dead, I found another flower. Here, in my arid field. Where there's only one flower from my past unrequited love stories, the same place that I placed my first seed long ago, and now a new one blooms. I dunno. Will the color stays or just fade ans wither away just like the other eighteen died flowers in the past.

Umur hidup gue sama jumlah cewe yang pernah gue suka dan jumlah penolakan yang gue dapatkan semasa hidup. Umur gue 18, by the way.

Yang gue inget cuma 15 tapi. I have a short-term memory, after all.

Ada begitu banyak bunga yang layu, tapi kenapa gue cuma bilang 1 benih?

Karena gue percaya dari satu benih, bisa menghasilkan begitu banyak bunga yang baik dan wangi. Cukup satu benih yang sama, karena jenis cinta gue ke cewe yang pernah gue taksir itu sama, which is a serious love.

Gue masih nunggu jawaban. Gue pernah sempet tanya waktu dia berlagak baper dan caper depan gue, like this,

"(nama), sebenernya kamu suka ga sih sama aku?"

"iya."

"Beneran apa main-main?"

"main-main"

This. What makes me wander even more on my own field of thoughts and doubts. Dan dia sempet bilang kalo gaada tanda-tanda kalo gue suka dia. Jelas, karena gue masih mikir sebagai "main-main" juga. Kalo dia beneran mungkin gue bakal usaha.

Kemarin gue sempet nyesel karena saat gue bagiin postingan yang baru, respon mereka buat gue tergolong pedes. Mungkin gue terlanjur kesel. Apalagi saat cewe ini baca salah satu postingan gue yang gue rilis bertepatan dengan hari ultahnya. She said that her birth date brings disaster to me. As a mere joke, it stabs me deeper than I could imagine.

Sempet gue marah sama grup di mana gue sama temen-temen gue ngebantu cewe ini ngatasin satu cowo (last post before this), dan gue keluar. Gue gamau ngebacot di sana lebih lama lagi. Mending gue diem.

Tapi bersyukur karena merekalah yang mau punya temen kayak gue. Yang ngerti sifat dan keadaan gue saat ini. Yang mau bagi cerita bareng-bareng tentang masa lalu. Sampe bandingin mana cerita sakit yang paling sakit sekalipun.

I hope if they read them they'll know how much precious are they to my heart right now. I don't care if they call me "gay" or "weirdo" or "freak" or whatever the hell it is, this is what I want, this is what I need. A friend that lasts longer than my love stories. So that one day they would know and appreciate how much and how far I endured this thing called "love". May these bittersweet memories linger in my mind even when someday we would part our ways.

Mungkin segini dulu dari gue. Gue harus urus diri gue juga, kalo engga ntar gue sakit terus gabisa nge- blog lagi. See you all soon, adios~

-turns on Nano - Nevereverland-