Unstable Heart

One day, when the sky is falling..

I'll be standing here, right next to you..

Gue kembali ke tempat ini. Tempat di mana semua imajinasi, rasa, dan petualangan hidup gue berada.

Jujur akhir-akhir ini gue mulai meragukan hati gue sendiri. Terlalu banyak kebohongan yang gue terima beberapa pekan terakhir. You won't know when will the tiny, adorable breeze can turn into a devastating, catastrophic storm.

Kalian tau gue baru aja merasakan kepergian "bunga" ke-18. Dan cerita kami lenyap hanya dengan sebuah stiker bertuliskan sebuah kata tertawa yang dikhususkan oleh orang Indonesia. Dari situ gue berpikir. Apa iya begitu aja? Apa iya setelah merasakan betapa sibuknya menjadi mahasiswa membuat kami akhirnya terpisah dari satu tali yang mengikat kami, which is our social media.

I've turned myself into a love victim, where I'm the suspect too. Double the pain, huh?

November. Month of my rainy days. Gue selalu teringat waktu SMP, di mana gue jatuh cinta sama potongan lagu diatas. Gue sempet jatuh hati sama lagu ini, walaupun akhirnya gue benci sama penyanyinya.

Gue baru tahu 2 hari lalu, dihitung dari hari gue tulis postingan ini, 16 November 2017, kalau "bunga" itu, going back together after what she said to me. Whereas to get rid all the things regarding him and so on.

I'm broken. My walls have been crushed. What am I gonna do? Wherever I stand, I could always see her in front of me. Whatever I do, I still think of her that she could finally get rid of her feelings. And in my sleep, I still believed that she would come and knock my door inside my little heart, just to let me know that she's ready. She's done with him. She's gonna make the change. She would finally let me in.

But, what can I do? Far away from those fantasies she did the reversal. She changed all the rotation of my mind. From a single line into thousand of wires that are connected and form a ball of conscience called despair, confusion, and regret.

Gue bener-bener berusaha untuk menyingkirkan segalanya tentang dia. Gue bener-bener bersikeras untuk melupakan dia, karena gue punya "bunga" baru. Otak dan hati gue panas tiap kali gue lihat dia. Temen gue yang bisa liat aura bahkan nyuruh gue buat tenang karena gue dibilang kacau banget, emosi banget.

Gimana engga. Rasa yang dulu pernah ada, kata-kata yang memiliki janji tak tersebut, pertemuan singkat berkat persekutuan, dan ospek. Semua dicampur, diacak, menjadi abstrak hanya dengan sebuah pernyataan pahit yang berujung pada penyesalan akan harapan yang takkan pernah ada wujudnya.

Hati gue harusnya berisi. Hati gue gabisa se-kopong ini. But it's too fragile to know the truth. Too hurt to see it coming. I don't know just how much I'll hold on.

Even the coldness of rainy days, the raindrops that feel like a tiny spears piercing my skin couldn't keep me from being hot. I'm too hot. Hot because of anger. And that anger makes me sick even more. I didn't think I could be this childish. So childish considering my age now.

What can I do? Even my favorite things won't keep me distracted. I won't ask God to fix this, just that I hope that I'll be given a stronger, bolder, and more durable heart. To withstand something that is called betrayal. To fight off something called confusion. And I believe, there will be a better end other than this ending.

That chapter, when I finally decided to close with these statements and unrequited feelings above. This will be the final chapter of the 18th flower.

When I say final, it doesn't mean that there's no other stories. Just like Final Fantasy series, I hope there's still more story to go. Even with or without her.

Ini dulu deh. Gue udah cukup membantai otak dan hati gue untuk menulis ini, sekarang waktunya mereka merasakan ketenangan.

Adios~